It was 1 am on a chilly October night and I couldn’t catch any sleep. My mind was desperately trying to answer a question:
“Where did this go wrong?”
I was putting in 70-80 hours a week at work and when I pulled in that night, my wife and our (then) 8-month-old baby-girl had gone to bed already. After a relaxing shower I joined them and just when my head was about to hit the pillow my wife dropped a bomb:
“I can’t wait for this to end so I can get my husband back.”
Although this got me off guard, I can’t say I was particularly surprised – I had gained about 20 pounds, I was impatient and felt stressed out because of work and being away from home. She, on the other hand, was emotionally exhausted from being home alone and we hadn’t had any time for just two of us for 4 months. But for some reason, I figured it was all temporary.
I let my mind drift and I remembered the stats and numbers I had read way back... stats about post-partum depression, high divorce rates and new parents relationship satisfaction taking a nosedive.
All of a sudden they all seemed so much more real than they did 6-8 months before.
How it all started…
We had got married 9 months before becoming parents and we were thrilled about the big news!
The pregnancy went well and I was as involved as I could have been–I read the books, I took the classes and I even started reading to our unborn baby.
I was my wife’s birth partner and was right next to her when we welcomed our baby-girl to our family. Happy tears were rolling down my cheeks – it felt life changing.
I was a proud daddy, ready to take on the new world!
We were happy new parents. I took 4 weeks off to adjust to our new reality – I changed the diapers, helped with feedings (every now and then), bathed the little princess and did a ton of skin-to-skin contact with her. I even took on more house chores.
Life was good!
Post-partum depression? – “Nah... Not us, we’re better than that!”
67% of new parents report decline in relationship satisfaction? – “That's just statistics–we’re in love with each other, with our new baby and with life!”
That’s what I thought back then!
Where did this go wrong?
I couldn’t pinpoint any event, any day or even a week.
We had a very solid relationship entering parenthood and I just kept doing what I had always been doing, hoping that's all it takes. Sometimes I failed, sometimes I came through… until I didn’t.
The circumstances had changed and it just wasn’t enough.
- The sleeplessness
- The crying and feelings of helplessness
- The frustration
- The ever-growing to-do lists and never-ending chores
- The lack of time and energy for each other
- The emotional fatigue, etc.
In other words, the daily grind of new parenthood had got the better of us.
This was a wake-up call!
Who am I?
I’m Tanel Jappinen (TJ). I’m a husband to my wife MJ and a dad to our 20 month old little girl. I’m also a blogger and a podcaster.
I started the Brand New Father blog a few months before becoming a dad and the Brand New Father Podcast a year later.
The podcast is 90+ episodes strong and I’ve interviewed tons of fellow dads from brand new dads to more experienced ones; from stay-at-home dads to former Navy Seals and authors.
When I first became a dad I had no idea what it took to keep everything in check – my own and my wife’s physical and mental well-being, my relationship with her and building a solid bond with our baby-girl, not to mention dealing with all the pressures on the work-front!
During the first year of fatherhood, I became active in many dad-related online communities and I soon discovered that I was not the only dad who was having tough time transitioning to this new reality.
When asked about their biggest challenges, here’s what other new dads were saying:
Fear of failing!
Putting myself on the back burner.
Having to turn my life around and learning to be a parent in general. It's not easy but it's very rewarding.
Putting my phone down. Being more mentally present when I'm physically present.
Balancing the workload of being a teacher and making sure I still have time to spend with my son. Constant struggle.
Having to go to work every day and missing all the little moments. I love my wife but I think she pretends she doesn't notice something until I see it.
Sleep deprivation. My wife and I have seriously not slept over 3.5 hours in 2+ years. People will tell you terror stories about the lack of sleep, but you need to multiply those stories X10 to get anywhere near reality. Brace yourself, and have fun?
He looks at me like I'm his hero... I can never let him down... Not even once
Now, 20 months in, my wife and I are in a much better place and we enjoy our lives… most of the time. :)
I can’t say our life and our relationship are perfect. Far from it. But they're a lot more fulfilling than they have been for the past 12+ months.
I can’t say that it’s been easy either. We’ve been to couples counselling (for new parents), we’ve spent many nights at our kitchen table or on long drives discussing how to live our lives as new parents.
Even though it hasn’t been easy, I know this:
It would have been way easier if I had been on it from day one!
That’s why I put together this course–I'd love for you to address this head on and not wait until crisis!
The program for new dads who want to stop drifting and take control of their fatherhood experience.
Course on self-care
Becoming a dad is usually very special and happy event in most guys' lives. However, it is a huge life change and overtime it can get stressful. Especially when we don't take care of ourselves.
Get equipped on how to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. so you can truly show up and step up for those you love the most.
Bonus tip: your partner needs to be taken care of in the exact same four areas!
Monthly expert webinars
In addition to the insights and actionable steps that I’ve learned through my own 20+ month experience and listening to countless podcasts, reading heaps of blogposts and books, interviewing tons of fellow new dads... you’ll also get access to monthly webinars with experts like:
Larry Hagner, author of Dad's Edge and host of Good Dad Project podcast.
Paul Gilbride, founder of Trickle Down Happiness and work/life coach.
Brian "The Birth Guy" Salmon, doula, birth assistant and lactation expert.
Scott Beebe, founder of createafamilyvision.com.
...and many more.
Private Facebook group
You’ll also get access to a private Facebook group. This is our “wolf pack” where we can engage with other new dads, support and challenge each other, hold each other accountable and talk about things that are important to us with no judgment.
Imagine knowing that you’re not alone facing your challenges, but instead you have 5, 10, 20+ guys who have your back – other dads who are going through the same things.
How comforting it is to know that you don’t have to know all the answers to your questions or do everything alone.
The Facebook group is there to help you, support you and make this the most impactful community for new dads out there!
Join the wait-list and be the first to know about the opening!
Why does this matter?
I truly believe that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships.
And personally, I can't think of many or actually any more important relationships in my life than the one that I have with my wife and with our little baby-girl.
When it comes to business or our careers we wouldn't expect them to thrive on their own. We understand that we need to work on them, put the effort in and do it consistently. Yet, we often times expect our relationships to "work" on their own.
It took me less than 12 months to realize that our habits and strategies that got us in this situation (being new parents), can't get us where we want to get.
I don't want to be satisfied with my relationships. I want to be ecstatic about them and I want them to thrive not just "work".
In other words–what worked when there was just 2 of us, is not what works now when there's 3 of us.
This program is for you, if you’re a soon-to-be or a new dad and…
…you truly want to step up and show up for yourself, your partner and for your new baby
…you see your baby and partner having this wonderful bond but you don’t know how to build this connection yourself
…you sometimes just don’t know what to do or how to support your partner
…you love the idea of being a dad, but it’s overwhelming (at times or most of the time)
…you feel that this parenting gig doesn’t come natural to you
…you’re looking for a group of guys who know what you’re going through and you can relate to
…you want to feel in control of your life as a new dad
…you feel that you’re at a crossroad and you need to change something to make it all work out
…most importantly–you’re willing to invest some time and put effort into becoming a better man, partner and dad
*If you’re right for this program, this truly can change your relationships and your life.
However, growth happens on the field of play and not sitting down, trying to consume hours of content. I’ll give you what you need without all the added fluff to make this program “seem” more valuable. Value comes from execution! That’s why we have the Facebook group to hold each other accountable and help take action!
If you think you’re too busy to take action, do not sign up for this program! In order to get the full benefits out of it, you will have to be willing to make the change–nothing works until you do!
You have zero risk and only to gain. If you feel you haven't got any VALUE from this course in 30 first days, I insist that you cancel your membership!
I'm not after your money - I'm in this to build the most impactful community for new dads to help them show up and step up for their families.
This course is not about information, it's about taking action. If I can help you feel more in control of your life, take the steps needed to connect with your partner or start building a solid bond with your new baby... I consider it a job well done.
Before you join...
This is a call for a pilot group. This means that the program will not be finalized when you get access to it. This also means that your voice matters and you can help shape the vision and make this the most impactful program for new dads!
By joining the pilot group you:
- Get in early and at a discounted price
- Get to and are expected to give feedback on the content as it’s coming along.
To recap, you get:
- Three mini-courses:
- Taking care of yourself (available from Oct'16)
- Nurturing the relationship with your partner (available and live in Nov'16)
- Bonding with your new baby (available and live in Dec'16)
- Access to monthly webinars with experts (starting from Oct'16)
- A Facebook group full of other top-notch new dads for support and accountability to help you take action!